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Labels: boring i'm not strong and utterly unreasonable... why??? i don't have the answer for that unfortunately...
i have been comparing myself to much that it has been self-degrading and extremely depressing... i have got to stop this... AND I WILL...
things are hypocritically true...
tried to upload an audio... but it all seems useless....
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Labels: short post I don't know why I have been having this heavy weight put on my heart today.... Is it the rumbling of the stomach or everything that is happening in the surrounding? I sometimes feel like I'm fading and I get less interesting day by day...
I feel like a song without a tune, a bird without its wing... Now I'm being gibberish! My goodness... I need fun!!!
I don't know what else to write.... I'm bored to death in this lab... and the low temperature is definitely not helping... somebody wake my mind!
Monday, May 28, 2007
Labels: random Communication is the essentials to avoid confusions and misgivings. Its important to keep every relation alive and well. Unfortunately, miscommunication is inevitable. Its due to us, humans, judging the latter is of non-importance or we are just ignorant to discuss about matters that has passed.
In my opinion, no one is able to fathom each other. Each person has a way of expressing their sentimentality to others. Be it anger, hatred, or pure sadness. People can even have mixed feelings about the environment surrounding them. Despite all this, every person hopes or even assume other people can understand their feeling without them mentioning it. Intuition perhaps?
I am tired of hearing squabbles all around and extremely tired of being in it. I hate being the middle person trying to resolve a conflict. It is not that I don’t want to help but it just tormenting to see people quarrelling in front of me. Both shouting in anger and demanding to be heard.
Humans also have this tendency to be clingy to their expectations. Perfectionist are the worst. They want each and every intricate detail to be worked out and they will never accept “NO” for an answer. There are some who set expectation in silence and when they don’t see their end result, they are only left with self-disappointment.
This is why communication is essential.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Which in my experience and judgment is true. But different people, different judgment, and different taste. We cannot stereotype and judge a book by its cover.... unless you're mr/mrs goody-goody know-it-all... Labels: random 3 curry puffs and a vitasoy.... that is what I had for lunch... simple yet filling... while listening to jordin sparks version of 'This Is My Now' Live American Idol Version... What an uplifting song... It plays with the emotions and makes us come out strong...
Seeing an eerie looking wisdom tooth and Seaweed Shaker Fries made my day yesterday... I’m gaining on my food intake as well as the fats... no. I'm not fat... just a little fleshy... that should put my heart at rest for a while... haha...
Today is like the record day where I ate this less.... since school term started... I have been on a "so-called" binging spree after being granted authorization for 15 minutes tea-break twice a day plus an hours lunch ... so now, I officially eat, 5 times a day... I wonder how much have I gained...
moving on, I remembered a friend asking me, how does each gender find a life partner? At 14 years old, I used to think that, he has to be rich, cause I want to buy everything in the world. He should also be smart and know how to make money. Love and other things too... but when I think about it, its impossible. Not that there are no rich man out there, but money doesn't bring you anywhere after life. It cannot buy happiness neither can it buy a friendship. And it doesn't only take love to make everything perfect. Life is definitely no fairytale with happy endings but we can live that fake life if we want to or we can be a realist and just accept, come what may, tolerate and go through it as if it was the first time, every time...
I watch one of the documentaries about attraction of the opposite genders and a quote from them may generally be true, but I’m not trying to be sexist here. It says:"Men get attracted to women because of their beauty, but most women get
attracted to men because of their heart."
Monday, May 21, 2007
Labels: long long post grip on life
By me
My name is Shalyna. I'm a girl born a little too early as my mother's doctor wanted to go on vacation. This is just the beginning of the pathetic-ness of my life. As a little girl, I very much enjoyed staying at home with my mother, a housewife. I would snuggle under my mother's arms and hug her. We would watch TV and sleep together while waiting for my dad's arrival home. I enjoyed my life so much and had love and attention from everyone.
7 years passed like flowing water. I was admitted to a primary school. Life started to get hard. I wasn't lazy and always tried my best. However, my forgetfulness always gets the best of me. All I could be good in was English subject. At the age of 8, my morale drop even further when my teacher, Mrs. Tina, scolded me in front of my friends for forgetting to do my homework. I cried in shame. I wanted to give up on school. I hated her so much.
Wishing to be able to kill her!
At the age of 10, I met a very strict but considerate teacher, Miss Rafeah. Although she was mean, she had a kind heart. Unlike Mrs. Tina, Miss Rafeah wanted me to excel. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried; I could not produce anything better than borderline marks. I tried to fit in by being cool and trying to be funny. I knew it wasn't me. Plus, hell breaks loose when my younger brother was born! I lost all the attention. I was no longer cute anymore. Suddenly, I wasn't allowed to cuddle with mother. I was an outcast. I grew hostile to everyone. Even my friends
At the age of 12, I struggled to fit in. I created this dream world of mine where I deemed fit and I started fantasizing with all the "What if’s". I started stealing money from my parents. Meager amount at first. Then the thrill of stealing got the best of me and I was stealing big. I stole the money to get friends. At that time, money really could buy you friends when you are one complete idiot and fat girl like me. In the end I got caught. One thing never changed, everybody still hated me. Or that is at least what I thought. My dad wanted to send me to the Girls Home. I thought no one would care but my mother and siblings started crying. They actually cared for me. My sister pleaded with my father to not send me there. Everyone loved me but I just didn't realize it. Luckily my dad relented and I was given another chance and I promised myself, never to steal again.
I graduated from primary school and entered a more challenging atmosphere. At 13, I had my first crush. It was fun! All that fuzzy-woozy feeling that you get when you see the person you like. I love that feeling. It keeps the sensitive side of me alive. I found the greatest friend, Wati, was what I called her. We'd spend hours talking about nothing on the phone and after school-hours were spend sitting around fast food outlets and shopping malls talking about just anything under the sun. Although it was just doing nothing, we both loved having each other as company.
When I was in Secondary 2, my studies improved. I found someone who actually liked me and wanted to be my boyfriend. It was fun having a boyfriend but I just couldn't adjust to things and it felt awkward. So we broke up but we still remained friends. My friends thought I was hurt, but I wasn't. It was an entirely no feel thing. Few months later, I had a tiff with Wati. It was nothing but I had a bad temper and I hated to be saboed so I didn't talk to her for almost a week. Then eventually, I got over it and we reconciled. But somehow I knew, things are never going to be the same.
As much as I thought, we drifted far apart. At 15, streaming in the school system was inevitable. I was separated from my circle of friends and was forced to start all over again. I was hurt when I knew she actually was in my class but opted to change. I was heartbroken. There was lesser time to hang out with Wati maybe because of my unforeseen resentment or because she had her circle of four friends. It kills me to think that I was one of them before. I started mixing around with my class but I don't feel I belonged there. It was just, different!
Sweet 16, Wati and I grew back a little closer together as there are a lot of integrated class activities. We started hanging out again. They shared everything together all over again. Wati was there when my boyfriend cheated on me, when my sister created problem for our family. She was there when I had suicidal thoughts. But I know, everything cannot be told to just anyone. She had some secrets kept from me or she just doesn’t feel easy in telling me. But somehow they understood each other, in those silence, we knew that we had each other, she had my back and I had hers.
We continued our support right until we were 17, where troubles started again. I didn't tell her I had a boyfriend and in that process, I hurt her. We started drifting away after the O levels. I had my work and might have been too selfish to notice that I was actually pushing my best friend away. But how hard I tried to settle a problem, another one creeps up my back. Its like I had trouble written over my face with a capital 'T' on it too. Everything in my life started having shockwaves of the capital 'T' including the love life.
I was admitted to a local polytechnic and yet again I had to start re-socializing. It was pretty awkward but it’s a matter of must. I did make some friends but it wasn't long that we had to separate as we are streamed to our specialist course. Dreadful life. Being pushed and pulled this way is very exhausting. Soon then, I started to mix around with more guys. Then the BF started to show temper. Little did I know, there was something going on. He was flirting with his old ex-GF. they just broke up when I got to know him. so I was furious. I saw it with my own eyes those words he said to her. It hurt badly. but I had no one to turn to, so I cried my eyes out after we had a bad quarrel.
I depended on myself for consolation while he had many other people to talk to. I became more short-tempered, hated him ordering me around. until one day, he told me, he was going to leave me for her. I finally silenced myself. I finally came to my senses that, I shouldn't be gripping on to him, but my life. 2 weeks from that night I left him and Singapore to further my studies in Australia.
I gave myself space. I was happy again. three years, at the age of 24, I decided I was ready to come home but god had other plans for me. The flight that I took never touched down to Singapore. We crashed on an island after a sudden thunderstorm that emerged without warning.
With the few breaths I have now, I recalled all the sins and memories that I have, wishing I could change things for the better and get a grip on my life and I did. i survived that incident and now even though i'm not able to see anymore, I am glad that god gave me the chance to apreciate this life and appreciate everything around me. I am stronger now and I finally got a grip on my life.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Labels: random i was fairly hardworking both yesterday and today.. finally finish four weeks of report today... dead tired.. met up with him today... unfortunately, private time was destroyed due to the presence of his friend...
darn, we are in dire need of private time... where we can talk anything under the sun... time seems to have distance itself from me... what a pity i cannot run after it...
or is it i'm feeling this way after the much filling dinner after an empty stomach for lunch...
i want to eat ice cream, but he doesn't want to...
things are not so common nowadays...
now i sound like a seemingly pathetic idiot who can't take control of their own emotions... its hard to be a woman... and its hard being a man... should i have just said, its hard being human???
reading mr aw's posts is terrific especially after hours of brain-squeezing any technical words i could find... how i wish it doesn't take that long to load... no offence mr aw, you seriously need an archive! keke... i've grab something funny from his blog... i hope you don't mind me sir!Clever marketing move:Create a story of how a boy becomes fascinated with killer
whales. He carves a piece of wood into the shape of a whale's tail and wears it.
He grows up to be a killer whale-keeper at SeaWorld and becomes "hero" to the
little kids. The whales "respond" to him because he wears the pendant and is,
thus, their "friend". And you know how cute Killer Whales are, every kid wants
to be a friend of a killa whale. He gives wooden pendant to a selected kid who
"wants to become a vet when she grows up". Suddenly, the pendant is a symbol of
friendship that killer whales "recognise". Now every kid in the stadium wants
one. What to do? Sell them for 5 bucks each outside. How do I know they are
making big money? Flip the tail over and it says "Made in Indonesia" on a little
sticker.So this is what I'm gonna do when I get back:Film a little story about how a
little boy wants to become a geography teacher. He makes a pendant from a piece
of granite. Students respond to him because he wears the pendant and they
recognise that it is the symbol of friendship. And we all know how cute students
are. Every kid wants to be friends with a teenager. The pendant becomes a symbol
of friendship with students. Now everyone wants one. I'll be selling them at
Orchard MRT.
extremely hillarious!!!! ( in any case, that you don't get it, read it here
and it kills when you can't cheer someone up when they are down...
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Labels: lunch Labels: delegation Labels: brain cramp Labels: mattersoftheheart Labels: grudge Labels: evolution Labels: lost Labels: chances Labels: siapa tak syg matair dan kawan Labels: random Labels: random blogging after lunch shall be the first for today... finally, something enlightening to write about...
Lunch with GenG Smeks was just like four guys, a girl and a canteen place??? haha... it was hillarious... the getaway holiday that you get after some wholesome hurs staring at the white screen or watching endless videos on the net... its a breath of fresh air after being confined to the four corners of serenity... it was wear we can talk anything under the sun... and from criticising other people right to each other...
today i was labelled catwoman, batman due to the sheek plain black shawl that i dorned... it was fun being teased at... it was the joke of the day lar... and for once, i let them go... no fighting back... just mere acceptance... am i losing my grip or have i just received the shockwaves of maturity???
despite all that, was a joke made about JACK'S Place... farhan started with him eating there and faizil adding in that it wasn't HALAL... as a matter of fact it wasn't, but he disclosed it as he could eat it... only him... then farhan's friend, haidhir said, "Minumlah HALAL Foods Booster" (Drink Halal Foods Booster) , then all of us laughed like hell...
and as usual, yesterday's blue monkey, today's the black monkey (Farhan) spitted out an ice cube yet again... A ritual is it farhan??? or its the curse of the black monkey??? keke... Or Better put as Farhan B! no offence farhan, you are very the bunga!!! :P
well, besides having carrot cake black for lunch, i guess that is all that i have for now... i'll be sure to be back to fill in with the lunch time gossips and hillarious gazillion agendas... till then... toodles!!!
p.s: i think farhan the black monkey is impregnated cause he kept vomitting cold ice...
if i could write a symphony for both of you... 11:22:00 amwhen the times you give in or when my tears start flowing like Niagra Falls... problems are meant to be settled together... not oneself... and i want to make it clear just in case people think or judge me as a selfish person, in fact i am, at times, i admit, but this time, its just his plain confused mind...
and i have to quote from fitri's blog, you can never please everyone and yourself all together... the facts of life is utterly cruel... but life is all about give-and-take... and when you think over it again, it all makes sense...
when you give love, you deserve to have some back, and fitri, when you give kindness, i believe you deserve some from me back...
perhaps i am dumb enough to be in the prospects of letting go of this happiness where i can have the two most important people in my life happy... maybe words just cannot put together a beautiful symphony or harmony of how much both of you mean in my life... but this does not mean that you put aside your own happiness and friendship for me... i have never obstruct you from being friends... both of you know that... but irwan, i'm seriously tired of being kept in the dark...
we all know that first loves can never be erased from our minds, i myself cannot put myself to see my first love each and everyday in this very same lab that i'm in, but,i have learn to let go... i love you now...
its a matter of moving on... and i believe and know you have done so too... but don't make things difficult as it is already for fitri... you don't know how much she has gone through because of us... you asked her that kind of question... how could you...
i am in touch and face my first love everyday... you know that... and you still allowed me to be friends with him... why the hell were you thinking that i will not do the same for you?
i just don't get it... but one thing i understood was that natural feeling you meant... sometimes i do get that natural feeling around him... but that is what they call infatuation... look it up in the dictionary... you'll get what it means...
i don't want to make it sound like everything is your fault but you dig your own grave... perhaps you two need to meet up and talk things out... cause i'm sure you both still keep questions that you hope will be answered but you leave it to disappear...
i already told you, i'm open with this...
and there is a saying that goes :"Not everything that is yours now,Will forever be yours,Unless you fight to
keep it."
Monday, May 14, 2007 cherry on top of a strawberry crusted pie... 1:46:00 pmIt dropped like a bomb. A serious kamikaze troop attaching themselves to a nuclear bomb. As dramatic as it sounds, it wasn’t really a big deal. The past two weeks haven’t been easy. Constant nightmares, insecurity, reassessment of feelings…..all due to, lack of judgement??? I have no idea what its all about and why all of it is actually happening. It hasn’t been easy before this and its not making things any easier now.
I know I shouldn’t bore into the past but what can I do, I was born to be a girl??? But it is said that, curiosity does kill the cat. So will the same curiosity kill me too??? My reports are pilling and I just don’t have the drive to do so. This mind is tired. Very very tired of thinking of ways to save it and what I believe that can save is actually know what went wrong in the past. I’m afraid, that is beyond hope, cause I’ve been given clear instructions to steer away from the past and look to the present. This is not making things easier for me yet again. Just hear me out here. I am not finding fault with you but I just hope you see from my point of view that I need the past to make the future better. As the saying goes, we need to learn from mistakes, and I implore you, I need to. Reminiscing about it is no plan of mine. I just need to know for the sake of knowing.
I just need to know, so I can learn to let go, cause as long as I don’t, it will stay this way…
Friday, May 11, 2007 was yesterday's love gone??? 1:59:00 pm
i went in search of that very same feeling, but it just wasn't there...
Wednesday, May 09, 2007 if u dont feel proud loving someone, then dont start 3:52:00 pmday is the usual boring stuff... sitting around making my butt look much bigger i guess... i guess this is the collection of "extraordinary" happenings that actually evolve around in my life... i have two reports to do but i just don't know what to write in it... should i write fiction tall-tale stories or should i just tell them that i have been binging secretly on sweets and oreo wafers while watching Mr. Bean Holiday... i seriously need to buck up... yes, i've been telling myself that for the past 3 weeks and never actually executing it out... am i in denial???
yesterday's movie was ok... but i have to say "Jangan Pandang Belakang" is a little overated... why??? let's digress... i am totally not a sucker for horror movies, not because i hate them, but, cause i tend to be over-reactive about it... something from hallucination and even i bring them in my dreams... yes, i am terrified of it... its just creeps me out sitting alone in my living room and feeling someone just behind me... but this movie... was no where that... or is it i have grown out of my fear of it??? a ring of maturity??? perhaps... perhaps...
headed home after that, and amazingly my parents didn't bug me for being late today... i wonder why... yes... i know, i'm almost 20, and i have a curfew at 10pm... but, somehow, i like it, makes me feel needed at home... although it only silent us, watching tv, there is somehow that sense of emotion that we are beside each other safe and sound kind of thing... am i babbling too much???
morning was fine... nothing eventful happen today, except if you consider i forgetting bringing my meds along and having to go home to fetch it... watch korean drama with mom and having breakfast at home... yes, i finally made it... the first steps of defying a rule... i've learned to be evil... maybe that will make him proud... my way back to school, i don't want to mention... i won't want to blow up the matter and be considered too emotional!!! ironically, i think you need to ask yourself that same question...
so here i am, finishing up the few episodes of Boston Legal, not doing what i am not suppose to, and i really really hope, at least this makes you proud!!!
Tuesday, May 08, 2007 a chance for redemption ? 10:14:00 amremember the days,
where we use to spend together,
just being out there,
hanging out with each other.
but things started to change,
when you had someone new,
we are competition,
but i doubt you knew.
it started to roll,
when we got a little old,
at 15,
we were worlds apart,
but i know,
i still had you,
in my heart.
when we were seventeen,
we finally talked it out,
things became more clear,
you had your own reasons,
but you never meant to,
oh dear!
some little time passed,
and then my heart was knocked,
it slipped my mind,
about you,
just like it slipped,
up there,
on top.
we resent each other from afar,
blaming oneself,
for the scar.
then karma strikes back,
a slap in the face,
a crack in the head.
i deserve that,
i really do,
if not,
i still wouldn't remember,
how much i treasured you.
it happened twice,
there must be a reason,
was there a mistake,
an act of treason?
it all due to,
the sake of growing up,
our mindsets change,
our ego levels go up.
but you know what's our mistake,
the result of miunderstanding,
we don't talk each other,
without that,
the fight is never ending.
so let's vow to no more secrets,
be it hurtful or even meagre,
no more secrets between us,
if not,
we'll still end up,
back here.
You Are Teal Green 
You are a one of a kind, original person. There's no one even close to being like you.
Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible.
While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks.
Your warm personality nicely counteracts and strange habits you may have.
Monday, May 07, 2007 r e m e m b e r y o u r p r o m i s e ? ? ? 4:22:00 pm
When the visions around you
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surrounds you
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength
I'll give you hope
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call I'm standing here all along
And I will take
You in my arms
And hold you right
Where you belong
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you
I've loved you forever
In lifetimes before
And I promise you never
Will you hurt anymore
I give you my word
I give you my heart
This is a battle we won
And with this vow
Forever has now begun
Just close your eyes
With each loving day
Know this feeling won't go away
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you
Over and over i thought
when i hear u call
without you in my life baby
i just wouldn't be living at all
And I will take
You in my arms
And hold you right
Where you belong Till the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you
Just close your eyes
With each loving day
Know this feeling won't go away Till the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you
Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Every word I say is true
This I promise you
I promise you
s h o u l d i g i v e a t h i r d c h a n c e ? 8:57:00 amsaturday, was really an eye-opener... after so long i realise why you drifted away when we were seven-teen... my bad.... i know its nothing... and i know anything i say won't change... but as a human, i ask for forgiveness for my ignorance... perhaps it was acts of selfishness or just jealousy... but all in all... i am in the wrong...
at feet-tree place was great... although we end up not doing anything... and from there i know i have two great friends that i can rely on... people who are more important than my boyfriend... hear this IRWAN, they are more important then you are ok? you should know why...
and i hope, all the misunderstandings i've had with you my girl-friend has been cleared of... things made more sense if we talk rather then we keep answering ourselves... really... perhaps it would be awkward for you to share your life again with me now, but, i hope, and i really pray for those old times, where i really felt like we were sisters... you were always there to comfort me unknowingly.... just being there for me, was just enough... of all the riduculous questions that i have been asking and keep pestering for you to answer, i think i should stop, cause you weren't suppose to be in that picture at all...
my lollipop girl-friend and miss froggy, you have been listening to my rants, utterful nonsense and faced many stupid questions too, but i thank you all for showing me the right way, and froggy, you were right, it was karma - what goes around, does come around...
to all my friends, i have nothing to give you all, except for my undying love and nonsensical behaviour, just for each and everyone of you... i really wish, this will last... i hope at least i have this chance again...
p.s: irwan, pls stop making me fight with my best friend can?
Friday, May 04, 2007 l o v e y a ' l l 3:08:00 pmi love you both as much... and i love all my other friends as much.... let's not make this problem drag on any further... let's embrace the future and slowly forget the past... :)
Thursday, May 03, 2007 q u i t e t r u e . . . . 2:11:00 pmSatu hari CINTA & KAWAN berjalan dalam kampung... Tiba-tiba CINTA terjatuh dalam telaga... Kenapa?? Kerana CINTA itu buta.. Lalu KAWANpun ikut terjun dalam telaga... Kenapa?? Kerana... KAWAN akan buat apa sahaja demi CINTA!! Di dalam telaga CINTA hilang... Kenapa?? Kerana... CINTA itu halus, mudah hilang kalau tak dijaga, sukar dicari apatah lagi dalam telagayang gelap...Sedangkan KAWAN masih lagi tercari-cari dimana CINTA & terus menunggu.. Kenapa?? Kerana... KAWAN itu sejati & akan kekal sebagai KAWAN yang setia...kan?? so, hargai lahKAWAN kita selagi kita terasa dia BERERTI....
Walau kita punya couple, teman still paling setia. Walau kita punya harta banyak, teman still paling berharga.
i d o n t k n o w ! ! ! 9:14:00 amits true that in relationships, one has to give in and initiate the reconciliation... but at times we just feel tired of telling him what we think is right, cause most of the time, its treated just as a passing remark...
i don't want to sound as if he made us miserable all our life... cause he did not... but the fact that changes are taking place.. it is such a big challenge to us that sometimes , we hurt each other just to please the other people around us... the matter is, where do you draw the line between choosing us and our friends... we would rather choose our friends and he believes so in spending more times with friends... but at times we feel, we're willing to let go, like we don't actually need, not wanted and not needed for now...
we feel like a leaf, floating on water... not being able to pull ourselves to the shore or even drown... we want to spent time with friends too... but we would like to have each other around too... this complicate things more when there a restriction placed on you...
so how do you make both sides happy? or should you keep yourself happy and end up hurting either sides... which do we choose? or perhaps none and just let everything go?
i don't want my friends to think that i'm making him more important then them but at the same time i don't want him to feel neglected... although he puts on the "i don't mind if you go out with your friends and neglect me" kind of attitude, i know him, that he does feel lonely, or at least that's what i think...
the problem is i don't know what he's actual thinking is.. what and who is actually in his mind right now... and because of his i get jealous if i see the resemblance of her in him... there are so much simillarities between them that sometimes i feel, we don't suit each other cause we have nothing in common...
i sometimes think that she will be the better one, she will be the supportive one and he deserve her than me kind of feeling... and when i question him, he say , " i don't know"...
usually people say i don't know because either they don't want to hurt your feelings by saying yes or they are just plain confused.... should i just leave him to think or invade in his mind... "i don't know"... how does that sound???
